The best Christmas present I got this year was learning what it was like to be all those girls I used to like who roadrunnered away from me so fast they left girl-shaped holes in the wall. I've been slowly coming more and more to terms with the fact that I'm a huge loser, and not the glowing avatar women threw themselves down at the feet of to lap up the charm cascading from my butthole that I was brought up to believe I was. But in the last few days, I had a true revelation: I actually found myself in the shoes so many girls pursued by Nice Guys (TM) have had to wear.
My Christmas dinner was one of those dinners where the providing person expects something from the providee, which you girls reading this might recognize as "man takes you out to dinner and wants his dick sucked after." You might think the same situation with the genders reversed would be more favorable to both parties involved, but as someone who found himself in this type of situation just a few days ago, I assure you it is not. It plays out the exact same way. How? You ask. Don't you like licking pussy? Well, yes, I do. However, the hostess' clitoris for dessert was not the price tag on this particular meal. Maybe it was the tip. But the actual bill was...
You know the saying "men use love to get sex. women use sex to get love." Well this particular woman used food too. I unknowingly made a deal with Satan when I took that first bite of ham. Well, what's wrong with that? You ask. All she wants is... to love you... for the rest of your life... or until she decides she doesn't anymore... while demanding birthday/Christmas/valentine's day/Tuesday gifts, all your free time, and at least three good morning texts per day... ok, I answered my own question. All a blow job does is leave you with up to 5 less minutes in your evening and a non-permanent aftertaste. A relationship leaves you with crushed dreams and testicles, and a lifetime of regret and support payments.
My polite declination earned me 78 messages about how ungrateful I was, how used she felt, how not good enough for anybody she was, et al. So I gave her the presents back that she got me, and gave her back the meal she fed me by taking a shit on her doorstep.*
See full coverage of the action here
She would have given me "a long rope." Isn't that sweet?
*I did not shit on her porch. I gave her $100 to cover the cost of the meal and whatever. But that sounds way less funny.